Ode to Freaking Joy
by xxXJoyous EmoXxx
Summary: Go to school, they said. It will be fun, they said. That's bull crap! The teachers actually find it funny when they...well, just read about it. Rated M for sexual innuendos...and Orochimaru-ness. run Sasuke run! (probably on hiatus for the rest of the school year.)
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I wish...we _all_ wish.

I'm thanking TheJulesTee and Dosu Disciple for checking this for spelling errors. Thank god they can spell because sadly, I cannot. Also I want to thank, you. Thanks for giving this story a chance. To be honest I find it a little slow at first, but I'm really proud of the ending. Plus the next chapter is better I can promise you that. . . And just so we're clear...

*action*

_Thoughts or emphasis on a word_

Gaara's POV

I think I'm so funny, Naruto thinks I'm cruel, but I'm defiantly funny. I've been hiding in his closet for the past 3 hours or so, (I snuck in early this morning), sending him the creepiest texts I can think of. But sadly my fun ends here...

Naruto: Why the hell are you in my closet!

He found me.

Gaara: Did you get my text?

Naruto: Yes I got your text! Now tell me why you're in my closet!

Gaara: Why didn't you text me back?

Naruto: ...Your text said, 'dat ass.' How the hell I'm I supposed to respond to that!

Gaara: I don't know...At least say, 'thanks for noticing', or something.

My best friend stood there in silence for a few seconds before speaking up calmly.

Naruto: You don't have a reason for doing all this, do you?

Gaara: Other then insane boredom, no I don't.

Naruto shrugged and then went to the washroom. I find it amazing how he just brushed that off. I went to the kitchen and started to eat some sort of left over. It smelt funny; it looked funny, conclusion... I should eat it!

Naruto: *walks in* Dude, what the hell are you doing!

Gaara: I'm eating...It tastes awful.

Naruto: That's because it's a raw bunny rabbit liver!

Gaara: Ah! *drops fork* Why do you have a bunny rabbit liver in your fridge! And why the hell do you say bunny rabbit! Just say bunny or rabbit!

Just then Jiraya,(Naruto's guardian), ran into the kitchen with nothing but a shirt and boxers on. His eyes were bloodshot and he had a 5 o'clock shadow...The liver was prettier then he was.

Jiraya: Gaara, you have 5 second to explain to me way you're eating my delicious bunny rabbit liver without properly cooking it first!

Gaara:...umm...

Jiraya: Not good enough!

He snatched the liver from me and put back in the fridge saying, "There, there my pretties. The mean man is gone." Then he looked up and saw the time.

Jiraya: Crap! I'm going to be late for work!*Runs for the door*

Naruto: Pants!

Jiraya: huh?

Naruto: Don't you dare leave this place without your pants!...again!

Gaara: This happens often?

Naruto: You have no idea.

Gaara: Must be all that liver.

Jiraya: You leave my bunny rabbit liver out of this! *zips up pants* Alright boys this is the first day of school, good luck, and make sure your on time.

And with that he left.

Naruto lives right beside the school; all we had to do was walk through the opening in the fence and we were there. We quickly walked through the front doors and went to the bulletin board to check what home room we were in that year.

Naruto: Shit, we're in Kakashi's homeroom.

Gaara: I wonder what his face looks like...

Naruto: It's probably hideous, and that's way he covers it up.

Gaara: *Smirk* He probably got a bad nose job, and doesn't have the money to fix it.

Naruto: Haha, yeah, or maybe he got a crummy lip injection.

Gaara: Or maybe he needs Botox but is too scared of the needle.

Naruto: Yeah! Or he probably has braces or something.

Gaara: Haha, or maybe he has bad acne.

Naruto: Ha! Wait, can adults even get acne?

As I was contemplating a sarcastic remark in my head...

Sakura: Yeah, they can.

Naruto: Oh, hey Sakura!

Gaara: Leave.

Sakura: Gaara! You are so rude! Seriously go get etiquette lessons or something.

Gaara: After you go get boob growing lessons.

Before she could say anything the bell rang. I dragged Naruto to homeroom leaving a whiny Sakura in our wake.

Naruto's POV

Okay, so me and Gaara open the door and the first thing I say is, "Sasuke! You shit faced, douche bag form hell! Move it!" Just the mere presence of that asstard makes me want to...steal candy from a baby...or kick a puppy...or tell a pregnant lady how fat she is! He just brings out the worst in me.

Sasuke: Spaz much.

Naruto: ...you're a weirdie pants!

Gaara and Sasuke: Weirdie pants?

Naruto: It was the first thing that popped into my mind okay.

Sasuke: Thinking isn't one of your talents, that's for sure.

Naruto: Shut it Mr. Weirdie Pants!

There was this awkward silence. It made me feel really uncomfortable, mostly because I was the last one to talk, so it was kind of my fault I guess. Plus pretty much the whole room was staring at us now, including that crazy face, Kakashi. I'm about ready to break it with another stupid comment, but then I was so rudely interrupted by...Kabuto? He was shoving students aside, thinking that being a faculty member's weasel was a thing that gave him power.

Kabuto: Make way peasants. Make way for your king!

Naruto: Did he just say king?

Gaara: Did he just call us peasants?

Neither me nor Gaara noticed the look of fear make its way into Sasuke's eyes.

Sasuke's POV

Oh no, the only reason Kabuto would make an entrance like that is if...

Orochimaru: Hello class it's me, principal Orochimaru.

Damn it! I _hate_ that man. I hate him with a passion! He is a sick, sick man with a sick, sick hobby. His hobby...is to watch every move I make, he is in love with me, and he's not to secretive about it. I swear to God, he spent all his time last year counting my pores! My pores! Do you have any idea how uncomfortably close someone has to get to you in order to count your pores? Pretty damn close!

Orochimaru: Oh my God, Sasuke, is that you? Wow fancy meeting you here, my you look especially hot and delicious today.

Arg! Do you see what I mean about him not being to secretive? The whole freaking school knows about his unhealthy obsession. It's because he will walk right up to me and say stuff like, 'Wow Sasuke, have I ever told you how jealous I am of your body?' In a way it's kind of a good thing though, everyone knows how he is so they make sure that I'm never alone with him.

Orochimaru: Quickly Kabuto, come here!

Shit! Whenever he says 'quickly Kabuto, come here' he does something weird, for example last year he called me to his office and made me sit down, and then he said, "Quickly Kabuto come here." And I sat there for two hours as Kabuto went through all these different brands of hair dye, trying to find the one that matched my hair colour the best. Not. Fucking. Kidding. The very next day Orochimaru came to school with black, straight hair. It used to be blond and wavy. I honestly think that the black hair was an improvement, but still...it's creepy.

Orochimaru: Alright Sasuke, hold still as Kabuto measures you...

Sasuke: Say what!

Kakashi: With all due respect Principal Orochimaru, this really isn't the time.

Orochimaru: Shut the hell up! I pay your freaking salary!

Kakashi: I know, I know, you never let me forget it! But must I remind you that it's the first day of school, and we are already 5 minutes into homeroom and you still haven't made the morning announcements?

Orochimaru: Hmm...You make a good point opera boy.

Kakashi: Opera boy?

Orochimaru: Yeah, you know. 'Phantom of the Opera,' the guy wears a mask, and you wear a mask... Are you seeing the resemblance?

Kabuto: Good one Orochimaru!

Naruto: Douchebaggary! His mask looks nothing like the 'Phantom of the Opera!' He just wears one of those crummy doctors' masks.

Kakashi: He has a point...Crummy! It's cool.

Orochimaru: Detention! At lunch!

Kakashi: Me? What did I do?

Orochimaru: No, not you stupid Kakashi! You're a teacher, you give detentions. Naruto's the one with detention.

Naruto: What!

Gaara: Why, what did Naruto do?

Orochimaru: You too Garry! Detention!

Gaara: *Eye twitch*...It's Gaara.

Orochimaru: I don't care! You still have detention!

Naruto: But _why?_

Orochimaru: Because _you_ wrecked my joke. And _you,_ Garry...

Gaara: Gaara!

Orochimaru: Whatever! You get detention because you stood up for Naruto! So there!

And with that he left. Thank God, that could have gone worse. I'll have to make sure that I try and stay out of his way...I hate my life.

I sat down in the chair closest to the back and looked around. Hmm... There are some new kids this year. Four of them, we haven't had new kids in a long time. I think Gaara was the last new kid we had. And that was three years ago. Let's see there's a red headed girl whose hair looked like it exploded in a microwave, a platinum-haired haired boy with a crazy toothy grin, another boy with orange hair who is easily the new tallest kid in school. And some sort of gloomy, depressing, looking guy in the corner. Oh God, he's one of those artsy types, he's got a sketching pad...He looks kind of familiar actually, I wonder why?

Ino: Hey Sasuke, that new kid over there looks like you.

Well shit.

Kakashi: Alright, here are your schedules, locker number, and combination locks. Please no trading lockers so that you can be by your best friend. Off you go!

Orochimaru's POV

Orochimaru: What am I to do Kabuto?

Kabuto: Sir?

Orochimaru: About Sasuke, I can't get a decent look at him. I need a picture or something.

I plan on getting a ton of expensive plastic sugary so that I may look just like that hot, sexy, and oh-so-studly Sasuke. Yum yum.

Kabuto: Forget about him!

Orochimaru: What!

I swear if I heard him right, and he actually did say that here in my presence, I will send him to the pits of hell...

Kabuto: I-I mean... Let's have a Harry Potter marathon, and act out all the parts with Harry and He Who Must Not Be Named!

Oh?

Orochimaru: Yay! What a wonderful idea! You always know how to cheer me up!

Kabuto: Of course I do, I love you.

Kabuto then leaned in and hugged me tightly.

Orochimaru: ...Umm...this is weird. I don't swing that way.

Kabuto: ...I mean I love you because you play the part of He Who Must Not Be Named so well! Not like, you know, a crush or anything...that would just be stupid, haha wouldn't that be stupid Orochimaru, huh, wouldn't it...be stupid...?

Orochimaru: Yes...it would be stupid. _Note to self, Kabuto is creepy. It pains me to say this, but after I get my sexy Sasuke body I may have to fire him. Just think about it, if he's having trouble keeping his hands of me now...I don't even want to think about how he'll act when I look like Sasuke...Gross, Kabuto likes little boys, what a perv. Speaking of sex related things..._

Orochimaru: Quickly Kabuto, come here!

Kabuto: Yes Sir!

Orochimaru: We need to hire one of those sex talker people for next week for the grade eleven class. Remind me, what was our goal was last year? And who did we hire?

Kabuto flipped through some papers on my desk

Kabuto: ...Umm...Here it is, it says; 'Get everyone to jizz their pants' ...And we hired a lady named Konan.

Orochimaru: Oh, that's right. Make sure we schedule a meeting after school so we can come up with the details for this year.

Kabuto: I love it when you say we.

Orochimaru: Oh my God, Kabuto, you are so gay, and don't even try to convince me otherwise.

Kabuto: How did you know?

Orochimaru: Is that a trick question? You're so loaded with gay, it's not even funny... Well let's start the Harry Potter marathon.

Kabuto: Wait, so even though you just found out I was gay, you're going to carry on as if nothing happened?

Orochimaru: I've known for years that you're gay; it honestly makes no difference to me what gender you prefer to screw, I just what to watch Harry Potter.

Kabuto: So things won't be weird between us, we can still be friends?

Orochimaru: Umm, sure, whatever floats your boat. Now start the damn movie.

Kabuto: *Sniff sniff* You do care!

Orochimaru: Shut the hell up, Kabuto, now start the movie before I change my mind and beat you straight!

Gaara's POV

Well the first two classes were boring as hell. I had math with that teacher Sasori, who by the way, it not a natural red head. That's right, last year his hair was dog shit brown, but apparently, he heard that Deidara, the art teacher, had a thing for red heads. I think that he just wanted to copy my style. I know it's amazing. I always look so badass...

After that it was English with Kurenai, snore fest. I mean we all know how to read and spell our names, so why do we have to study Shakespeare? We don't even know what he's trying to say. Him and all his 'where art thou' and 'to be or not to be' is getting pretty annoying. And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I'm reminded of the fact that me and Naruto have detention with Orochimaru and his pet, Kabuto during lunch. Which is now.

Gaara: Naruto, when are you going?

Naruto: To eat lunch with the others, duh.

Gaara: Detention, remember.

Naruto: Arg! I hate my life!

Gaara: I hate your life too, but we either do it now and get it over with or we skip and Orochimaru finds out and he makes us do it after school.

Naruto: Ha! That's what she said!

Gaara: Not impressed.

Me and Naruto started to drag our sorry asses to the principal's office. Once we got there Naruto raised his hand to knock on the door, but I grabbed his wrist and stopped him.

Naruto: What?

Gaara: Don't you hear it?

Naruto: Hear what?

Gaara: Shh! Listen.

Me and Naruto pressed our ear against the door so we could hear better...

Orochimaru: I think we should do it on the desk.

Kabuto: No offence sir, but I think it would work better on the couch, the desk it a little too high.

Orochimaru: Hmm...you might be right about that. Let's just do a quick run through on both, and then do the real thing on whichever surface it better.

Naruto: Ho-lee shit!

Gaara: Shh, keep listening...

Kabuto: Excellent idea! Would you like me to keep the cape on or off?

Orochimaru: Keep it on; it will add a little spice to it.

Kabuto: Alright let's start on the couch first.

Naruto: That's it, I can't listen anymore!

Gaara: Keep listening Naruto, if we time this right, it could get us off detention.

Naruto: They why don't you just listen? It's really only a one person job.

Gaara: Because if I have to sit here and suffer then so do you.

Naruto: *Sigh* I'd almost rather do detention.

Gaara: Yeah, _almost_, but not quite, so start listening...

Orochimaru: ...Umm...Kabuto, this is a little embarrassing to mention, but your magical wand doesn't look right.

Kabuto: Really? I don't see anything wrong with it.

Orochimaru: Well...I don't know...It looks all floppy and bent.

Kabuto: Hmm...Yeah, I guess you're right.

Orochimaru: Well, come here and I'll fix it for you.

Naruto: Oh sweet baby Jesus!

Gaara: Shut the hell up...

Orochimaru: Did you hear something?

Kabuto: No sir.

Orochimaru: Okay. Here we go all fixed. Duct tape is amazing, is there anything it can't fix.

Kabuto: I don't believe so sir!

Gaara: Duct tape?

Naruto: Ew...

Orochimaru: Alright let's start.

Kabuto: Um...Can I be Voldemort just this once?

Orochimaru: Why? I'm always Voldemort, and you do Harry Potter's accent so well. You even have the same glasses!

Kabuto: Yeah, I know, but I've memorized it all and I just want a change. Just this once and I promise that I will never ask again.

Orochimaru: Fine, but just this once.

Naruto: Harry Potter? Wait just a fucking minute!

Gaara: Naruto don't!

Too late, Naruto and his few remaining brain cells barged in. I had no other choice but pull up my big boy pants and get ready for an extended lecture about knocking before you enter, and an even longer detention. _Remind me to do painful and awkward things to Naruto later, okay brain?_

I followed Naruto into the office; I must say I was truly shocked at what I saw. Kabuto was standing on the couch wearing a cape, and waving a magic wand (which is actually a bunch markers taped together), in the air. Principal Orochimaru was doing the same, but he was standing on the desk. Naruto did a little cough to get their attention. Amazing, they didn't hear us and our loud entrance, but they heard Naruto's wussy, little cough.

Once Orochimaru and Kabuto noticed me and Naruto standing there they froze, like a deer caught in the head lights. Naruto was trying not to smile, even though his efforts were useless. His grin was so big I thought it might rip his face in half. The silence went on for a while and I think Kabuto was about ready to wet himself with fear. Then Naruto opened his mouth to laugh, and he better thank God I was there to cover it up before any noise can out. But honestly who can blame him; the looks on their faces were priceless.

Orochimaru: Alright, here's how it's going to work. I'll let your detention slide if you don't tell anyone. And if you do tell anyone, you'll have detention for the rest of your high school life!

Gaara and Naruto: Deal!

Me and Naruto ran down the hallway and up the stairs to our part of the hallway. The way it works in our school is, because we don't have a lunch room, we have to find a spot in the hallways to eat our lunch. And the way that usually works is certain grades get certain parts of the hallways. Our grade is at the end of the hall by the bathrooms, I don't know why we choose that spot, but we did, and now we're stuck with it because all the rest of the grades already claimed the other parts of the hallways. Sucks to be us. Once we got to our group we were greeted by a lazy Shikamaru.

Shikamaru: Don't you guys have detention?

Naruto: Aren't you smart enough to have skipped at least two grades, and be graduated by now? Can't you at least figure out that Orochimaru changed his mind?

Shikamaru: Nah. So what made Orochimaru change his mind?

Gaara: He just told us he didn't have anything for us to do and let us go.

Kiba: Really it was that easy! Lucky.

Shikamaru: Okay, now what's the real reason?

Naruto: I don't know...we were sworn to secrecy.

Ino: Oh, come on you guys spill already, I what to hear this.

Gaara: No.

Sakura: I want to know the dirt, you two found out!

Gaara: Your mom's the dirt, and I planted a flower.

Ino: Party at my house after school!

Hinata: R-random. But...It's a school night.

Kiba: Aw, come on Hinata, teachers never give homework the first day of school.

Hinata: That's true...ok I'll come.

Kiba: Sweet! So will me and Shino!

Shino: ...I never said I would go.

Kiba: Come on Shino, don't be an anti-social butterfly!

Shino: ...So funny I almost forgot to laugh. Yeah, I'll come.

Shikamaru: I guess I'll come.

Choji: Same. You always have such good snacks!

Sakura: I'll come of course! Will you Sasuke?

Sasuke: *Sigh* Yeah and I'm bringing the new kids.

Naruto: Me and Gaara will be there!

Gaara: Speak for yourself, I'm not going.

Naruto: What! Why not!

God, why must he ask? He knows why!

**Flashback **

Sakura's POV

Ino: Alright Sakura, your turn spin the bottle!

I took a deep breath; this is going to be my first kiss. _I'm fifteen now, practically an adult I can do this! But I'm still so nervous! Okay, it will be easy, and if I'm lucky it will land on Sasuke! Just thinking about him is making my heart pound, which is a sure sign of love. Oh Sasuke! We are meant to be together!_

Ino: What's the holdup Sakura? Spin the bottle already.

"Oh haha, right," With a shaking hand I reached out for the plastic bottle and gave it a spin. I held my breath, closed my eyes and crossed my fingers. I'm not really a superstitious person, but crossing my fingers is just a habit I have. Besides this game is pure luck, by crossing my fingers I'm simply asking luck to be on my side. When the bottle stopped spinning everyone gasped. Well, everyone except Naruto. I opened my eyes to see who the bottle landed on.

Naruto: NooOooOooOoo, Gaara you lucky bastard!

Gaara: I'm going to do painful things to you later Naruto.

Ino: Alright Gaara take Sakura into the closet! You know the drill!

...Gaara. Gaara! It had to land on him! We do not get along, like at all! I got up off the floor and followed him into the closet. And you know what? I'm not nervous at all not even a little. This could be my chance to shut him up. Just think, if I give a mind blowing kiss, he'll have nothing bad to say about me. He closed the door behind me, plunging us into near-darkness.

He turned around to face me, he was about to say something, but I didn't give him the chance. In an instant I had my arms around his neck and my tongue half way down his throat. He was making some sort of noise, but I can't tell if it was good or not. I tightened my arms around his neck to keep him from squirming around so much. And he was putting no effort what-so-ever into the kiss, he didn't even have he hands on my waist or anything. He wasn't even kissing back; in fact I think he's trying to spit my tongue out! (Never thought someone else could spit _my_ tongue out.) Suddenly he grabbed my hair and yanked my face away from him.

Gaara: What the hell were you trying to do! Fit your entire fat head inside my mouth?

Sakura: I...umm...I was just kissing you.

Gaara: Just kissing! You were having a wrestling match with my tongue, then your teeth got involved and it just wasn't nice.

_I think I'm going to cry._ That was my first kiss and even though I said I wasn't nervous, I actually was like, really nervous. And now Gaara is being a major douche, kicking me when I'm down. I feel tears rolling down my cheeks, I'm so pathetic.

Gaara: Are you crying?

Sakura: *Sniff sniff* NOooo! *Sobs*

Gaara: Umm... Your kissing wasn't _that_ bad... It's just that, you were drinking grape soda, right?

Sakura: Y-y-yes.*Sniff*

Gaara: Right, and I hate grape soda. I think it tastes like medicine, so it wasn't really your kissing technique that I didn't like, it was just the way you taste, that's all.

Sakura: *Sniff* R-r-r-really *Sniff*

Gaara: Umm...*Eye twitch* Really.

It was so freaking obvious he was lying, but the attempt to make me feel better was really sweet.

**End of flashback**

Gaara's POV

And that's why I don't want to go. The fact that I had to be nice to snivelling, fat faced Sakura makes me want to offer an animal sacrifice to repent for my sins. I have no idea what Naruto sees in her, but if they get married, I'm leaving the country.

Sakura and Naruto are the two most annoying people that I know of, and if they breed and have kids, I think the world would explode. Naruto's my only friend and I like him just fine, but he's still annoying, plus as his best friend he would ask me to babysit. We both know that would never happen. I told him if he ever asked me to babysit his future kids, I would eat them. To which Naruto responded, "Fine with me, it's Sakura who would hunt you down and mount your head above the fire place."

~History Class~

Naruto: Gaara, just come to the party. We need to make more friends.

Gaara: No, these parties are just excuses to make people do stupid things so that their so-called 'friends' can take pictures and use it as black mail.

Naruto: But, I'm okay with that...Just come...I'll be your best friend.

Gaara: You already are my best friend, stupid.

Naruto: I know, and not only that, but I'm your only friend.

Gaara: ... So?

Naruto: That just proves that you need to widen your social circle. Plus if you don't come, you'll be letting your best friend down, and you wouldn't do that to your best and only friend would you?

Gaara: Well I'll tell you this, if my best friend doesn't shut up soon, I'll stuff him in a bag and then throw Temari's stupid, vicious, man-eating cat in there with him.

Naruto: Since when did Temari get a cat?

Gaara: Since last week. I swear to God that beast was sent from the deepest pit of hell, just to make my life miserable.

Naruto: Ha, what's its name?

Gaara: Shikaku...Kankuro wanted to name it Marshmallow.

Naruto: Please come.

Gaara: No.

Naruto: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please-

Gaara: Shut up, I said no.

Naruto: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please-

Gaara: Shut the hell up!

Naruto: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please-

Gaara: Fine! I'll come, just _please_ shut up.

Naruto: Really!

Gaara: Shut up, and yes really.

~After school, teacher's meeting~

Orochimaru's POV

Orochimaru: Alright everyone shut up and pay attention.

Asuma: We're getting paid extra for this right?

Orochimaru: Don't be so...Ugh!

Kurenai: Asuma are you cheating on me!

Asuma: What! No!

Orochimaru: People this really isn't the place! We don't want to witness your 'friends with benefits' relationship fall apart.

Deidara: No, wait. I want to hear this, and then write about it in my diary.

Sasori: Deidara you're such a fag.

Deidara: And aren't you glad, sexy? *Wink*

Sasori: *Blush* W-w-w-what are you saying?

Deidara: Let's go on a date, and we can talk about the wonders of art.

Might Gai: Such Youth!

Orochimaru: Would you people please keep your hormones under control! I swear to God, you're worse than the teenagers! Except Sasuke, he's perfect. Anyway, we are here to discuss who we should hire for the grade eleven sex talk next week.

Kakashi: We usually don't have the sex talk 'til March... Why are we having it next week?

Orochimaru: Who wants to explain to stupid Kakashi why we're having the sex talk in September?

Gai: Oh, I will!

Orochimaru: Alright, go.

Gai: You see Kakashi, spring is the season for mating, and giving the sex talk to a bunch of hormonal teenagers wasn't the best idea. Furthermore, we would hire hot woman, it was pretty funny watching all the boys trying to hold in their nose bleeds, however it came at a price. Unable to handle their youthful bodies sexual needs, they would do anything to get release, and it wasn't just the boys either. They were out of control, humping water fountains, trading masturbation techniques like Pokémon cards, and the girls were setting up blow job booths. We wouldn't have cared so much except for the fact that the janitor said he was getting so sick of cleaning up sperm; he was going to quit if it wasn't taken care of. So this is why we are going to have it in September, when all the students are feeling depressed, and not horny.

Kakashi: I've work here for years and I've never noticed this behaviour.

Orochimaru: That's because you're too into those perverted books of yours. Deidara! Sasori! Could you two stop making out for like half a second and pay attention! Kabuto! I know you're a gay too, but do you really have to join in and make it a threesome! Nobody wants to see that!

Hidan: Umm...I kind of want to see it.

Orochimaru: Oh shut up...Now who has an idea of who we should hire for the sex talk this year?

Kakashi: I have a friend named Ibiki, I'm sure he would do it for a reasonable price.

Orochimaru: Good, make sure he can make it for next week. Alright you reptiles, this meeting is over, now slither!

*.* the review button looks very alluring, doesn't it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Why do you think I'm here :P

So remember in the last Chapter when Ino randomly announces that she's going to throw a party...well this is it. And sorry that it's late, it's the end of the year and I have to start thinking of exams and stuff. As for the next chapter I will try for Saturday in the next 2 weeks.

Thanks Dosu Disciple for editing.

**Kiba's POV**

So here we are at Ino's house bored out of our freaking minds! It's pretty obvious that she wasn't prepared to throw a party, because the only thing we have to eat and drink is broccoli and water. Not exactly what you call party food. Shino thinks she announced having a party just to keep Gaara and Sakura from getting into an argument, which makes sense I guess, they get pretty annoying. I'm just sitting here looking for something, anything, to do. Then I remember we have new kids.

Kiba: Hey you, the scrawny one with the white hair.

New kid: Me? I'm not scrawny.

Kiba: What's your name?

New kid: Suigetsu.

Kiba: And what about everyone else in your little posse over there what are their names.

Suigetsu: Umm...That's Karin *points to girl*, and that guy over there is Juugo.

Kiba: And who's that guy over there?

Suigetsu: How should I know, he just sits there and draws 'til his loner heart is content.

The loner guy looked up when he realized that we were talking about him, and put on a smile.

Loner guy: Hello, my name is Sai, I like to draw.

Suigetsu: Oh my god, we know! You're so freaking annoying, and sort of creepy, and I mean I hang out with her *Points to Karin*.

Karin: Hey Suigetsu! Is there something you want to tell me!

Suigetsu: Yeah there is! You're stupid and ugly _and_ you also somehow managed to be fat on top of it all!

Karin: Are you blind! I am sooo not fat!

Suigetsu: Hey everyone, Karin weighs 130 lbs!

Sakura: On my gosh, that's waaaay more then I weigh.

Gaara: Shut up Sakura! Your chest is so flat it practically caves inward.

Sakura: Go to hell!

Gaara: Already there!

Sakura: ...welcome!

Now this party is starting to get interesting.

Sai: Would you like to see my drawings?

Kiba: Huh?

Sai: My drawings, would you like to see them? *smile*

What's with this guy! You heard the way he introduced himself. 'Hi I'm Sai, I like to draw.' When meet I someone I don't go, 'Hey there, I'm Kiba, I like dogs.' That's just weird, plus the person your meeting probably doesn't care. There's something just not right about this guy, I mean I never asked to see his drawings! Something tells me that he could have so sort of mental problem. You know, he could be mentally handicapped or something... I wouldn't put it past him.

Kiba: Umm...Sure, I guess.

Sai: Here, help yourself.

I took the book form him. I was expecting really, really, really crappy finger paintings. Honestly, I was convinced that this guy wasn't 100% normal in the head, but when I opened the book...

Kiba: Holy shit! These are amazing. You drew these!

Sai: Of course.

Kida: It looks like a photo. How long did it take you to draw this?

Sai: Umm...I started this one in the middle of English, and I was finished before the class ended.

Kiba: Seriously? Then it didn't even take you 40 minutes to draw. I couldn't draw anything like this if I was given a whole year. You're crazy talented Sai.

Sai:*smile* Thank you.

I was so interested in Sai's drawings that I didn't even notice that Ino was right beside me.

Ino: HEY!

Kiba: Holy shit Ino! You practically gave me a heart attack!

Ino: Oh, sorry Kiba I didn't mean to scare you. I was yelling at them.

I looked to see where she was pointing to and sure enough, there was Gaara pinning Sakura to a wall with one hand by her forehead. And to make matters worse Naruto's standing right there trying to ask her out for the 10 thousandth time. Karin's chasing Sugetsu around the house with a pair of Crayola scissors, threatening to slice him up, one calorie at a time. Shikamaru's fallen asleep. Choji is digging around between couch cushions looking for forgotten snacks. Juugo was walking around with Hinata in one arm and Shino in the other. He was saying something like, 'See told you I was strong.' And of course Sasuke was standing in the corner with a look that said, 'I'd rather be raped by a hippo, then stand here and watch this.' Good times.

Ino: Okay Kiba, on the count of three we both yell 'hey.'

Kiba: Okay.

Ino: Ready?

Kiba: Yup.

Ino: 1...2...3!

...HEEEEEEEY!

And of course everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at us. Well almost everyone, Shikamaru's still sleeping because he's just awesome like that.

Ino: Alright you hooligans! You need something to keep you busy before you demolish my house, so here's what were going to do! We'll play a round of dares.

Gaara: If anyone has a camera I will crush it and eat it, including the batteries! Then I will sue you for attempt at murder by trying to poison me with battery acid!

Naruto: He'll really do it; you should have seen what he ate this morning.

Gaara: Anyone who has a camera, take it out right now and put it on the coffee table!

A number a people actually listened to him and put their cameras on the coffee table, including me. I mean have you ever seen that guy get angry? It's terrifying.

Naruto: Forgive Gaara for being an asshole. He just doesn't want anyone to have anything they could blackmail him with. You guys can all understand that right?

Sakura: I don't think anyone really cares Naruto.

Ino: Alright so here's how it's going to work, everyone take a piece of paper and write down your dare and put it in this hat, and then once everyone has put their dare in we go around and randomly pick one out. And please people; make sure the dares are humanly possible. Shino you can't dare people to try and eat a thousand worms in under a minute, and no daring people to take all their clothes off or to have sex with you, because it's just not going to happen.

Naruto: Damn it!

Ino: Alright you guys think of a dare and write it down.

**Shikamaru's POV**

_Waffles in the sky, so many pretty colours. Is Ino trying to smoke pencils? _

"_Shikamaru..."_

"_Yes magical talking kitten?"_

"_Shikamaru..."_

"_What talking kitten, what do you want!"_

"_Shikamaru!"_

And that's when I finally woke up.

Choji looked at me funny before asking, "What magical kitten?" Great, apparently I was also talking in my sleep.

Shikamaru: It was just some retarded dream I was having.

Choji: How can someone as smart as you have 'retarded' dreams?

Shikamaru: I don't know. Hey what are we doing anyways?

"Oh right." Choji quickly filled me in on the game Ino had just come up with.

Shikamaru: What the hell that is so lame.

Seriously she couldn't come with anything better. That has got to be the most retarded and most over played game at any party, next to spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven.

"Here you go," Ino said as she handed me a piece of paper and a pen. I took them from her and said...

Shikamaru: Really? You couldn't think of anything else other then this?

Ino: Nope, now write down a dare and put it in the hat over there. Hey! It rhymes! There and dare!

"You're an idiot," I mumbled as I wrote down my dare. After a few minutes everyone had put their piece of paper into the hat. Ino passed the hat around and everyone took out a piece of paper. I really am starting to regret coming over to this 'party'.

"Alright," Ino said as she stood up. "Nobody unfold your papers yet. Well will spin this bottle around and whoever it points to has to unfold their paper and do the dare written on it, understood?" She got a series nods from everyone. "Okay good," she said as she placed the bottle on the coffee table and gave it a quick spin.

Oh shit, is it going to land on me! Nope, never mind. It stopped spinning about 2 inches to my right and landed on Choji. Oh how I feel bad for him.

Ino: Alright Choji, let's see what you have to do.

Choji unfolded the piece of paper and read the contents inside.

Choji: I don't want to do it!

Shikamaru: Huh? Why not? What does it say? *reads paper* Oh my god!

Ino: What does he have to do!

Shikamaru: It says 'give Gaara a lap dance.'

"

WHAT!" Gaara yelled jumping up from his chair. Everyone else in the room, with the exception of Choji and Gaara, was laughing, but of course no one was laughing harder than Naruto.

Ino: Alright I'll cue the music!

"No! No! No!" Gaara yelled as he tried to escape the chair Naruto was currently tying him to. The music started (the song was 'Born this Way') and me and Ino dragged Choji over to Gaara. We both pushed him onto Gaara's lap and watched Choji work his miracles. And by miracles, I mean I think that's the first time I've ever seen Gaara cry. Choji was really getting into it. He was shaking his butt, wiggling his man boobs and was flipping his hair around as well. If Choji were a woman I might actually be jealous of Gaara. But then the song ended, everyone stood and clapped and cheered for Choji. Choji blushed and did little and bowed. Gaara however, still being tied to the chair, cried.

Again Ino span the bottle, and it landed on Sasuke. We all waited silently as he unfolded his paper and read out his dare.

Sasuke: It's telling me to get on the table and dance to 'Whip my Hair' like a stripper. *looks up* I refuse.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Every girl in the room squealed, except for Hinata. And it might just

be my imagination, but I think Suigetsu squealed too.

Sasuke: Didn't you hear me? I said I refuse!

Sakura: Oh but Sasuke you have too!

Sasuke: No!

Suigetsu walked up to Sasuke and whispered something in his ear, and with that Sasuke was up on the table and yelled, "Cue the music!"

Once the music started Sasuke shook his hips, swung his arms, dropped low, and of course what dance would be complete without Sasuke feeling himself all over. Needless to say, the girls went wild. What a drag.

**Naruto's POV**

I don't see what the big deal is, it's just Sasuke. Oh great, there he goes swinging his shirt above his head...whore.

Naruto: Get a tan!

Sakura: Shut the fuck up!

Why is my future wife insisting on cheating on me with him? Hello! I have tanned skin, blond hair and blue eyes. I'm the fucking California, surfer, dream boy! Why doesn't Sakura just wake up and smell the sexy!

At long last Sasuke's little, smutty boogy woogy was done, and Ino spun the bottle once more. This time the victim was...

Ino: Alright Hinata, let's see what you have to do.

Hinata: Oh no! It says I have to call Neji and say something good about the main household.

Kiba: Oh my god! You got my dare! Hahaha, that couldn't have gone more perfectly!

Gaara: Who's Neji?

Naruto: God Gaara! At least act like you give a damn; Neji is Hinata's jealous cousin. Everyone knows that.

Gaara: Well sorry.

Ino: Here's the phone Hinata. Put it on speaker so we can all hear.

We could hear the phone ring 3 times before Neji answered.

Neji: Hello?

Hinata: umm...

Neji: ...Hello?

Hinata: ..umm...VIVA LA MAIN HOUSEHOLD!

Neji: ...

Hinata: ...

Neji: SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!

Hinata: *hangs up* ...do you think he knew it was me?

Everyone tried they best to reassure her that she disguised her voice very well, and that there was no way Neji could've know it was her. But just to be safe both Kiba and Shino offered to walk her home...and then stand guard outside her bedroom door once they got there.

Ino spun the bottle of destiny and it landed on...yours truly...that means me. I'm not going to deny the fact that I really, really hope I get a dare like Choji's. Only, I want to receive a lap dance and I want to receive it from Sakura. I looked down at my paper...

Naruto: Yes! Lap dance from Sakura! Start the music!

Sakura: What!

Gaara: I forbid it! You guys might lose you're virginity and have babies and make me babysit them! No! No! It's not happening!

Naruto: Sorry man. These things are practically written in stone, your words have no power.

Sakura: Don't I have a say in this!

Naruto and Gaara: NO!

Gaara: Let me see that paper!

Naruto: ..Umm...no.

Gaara: Let me see it!

Naruto: Piss off fire crotch!

Gaara: Leave my pubic hair out of this!

Gaara and I charged toward each other and tackled each other to the floor. We rolled around on the ground as I wasn't trying to stuff the piece of paper in my mouth to keep Gaara from reading it. However he had my face pinned to the floor a lot like the way he had Sakura's head pinned to the wall early. Everyone was chanting...

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Except for this one guy, who was chanting just a little out of sync with everyone else, he was chanting...

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Naruto: Who keeps saying kiss!

Gaara: Shut the hell up Suigetsu!

Everyone paused and looked at Suigetsu.

Suigetsu:...What?

Ino: You're a genius.

Everyone looked back at me and Gaara...

KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!

Gaara: Never! *Victoriously pulls paper out of my mouth*

Naruto: Damn you Gaara!

He was still sitting on my back to keep me from snatching the paper away from him as he read what it really said...

Gaara: It says to sneak into Orochimaru's house with a friend and take pictures.

Everyone's eyes were now on me.

Naruto: ...honestly thought it said lap dance from Sakura...

Sasuke: Who the hell would write a dare like that! What if I had gotten it!

Sakura: I wrote it. I thought it would be really funny-

Sasuke: Bitch! You just ruined the .025 percent chance you had with me!

Gaara: Haha!

Sakura: NO! It took me three years to build up my chances that high!

This was my chance! I managed to get Gaara off my back and ran over to her faster than Choji to an all you can eat buffet. I wrapped my arms around her, which by the way, have pretty good sized biceps. If this doesn't make her melt into me and fucking beg to have my babies with this then I don't even think she's human.

Naruto: Sakura, you are a beautiful human being. Please don't waste your tears on that boy, he's isn't worth it. In fact no one who makes you cry is worth it. I what to see you laugh and be happy so why don't you come with me and-

Sakura: No fucking way! I am not going to Orochimaru's house with you!

Damnit! How did she know that's what I was getting at!

Naruto: Alright Gaara lets go.

Gaara: Obviously. I can't believe you were going to take _her _with you.

Naruto: Just let it go.

We were already half way to principal Orochimaru's house before I realized that we didn't have a camera.

Naruto: We have to go back and get a camera!

Gaara: Quit being a spaz. I grabbed one off the coffee table as I walked out the door.

Naruto: Look through the picture and see whose it is.

Gaara started looking through the photos. I almost pissed myself. Every single picture was an up close and personal shot of someone's crotch. _My_ crotch was even in there, as well as Gaara's. In fact, I think everyone in our class had at least one picture of their crotch taken. Not that I have studied the crotch of everyone in our class, I'm just guessing.

Gaara: I don't recall anyone ever taking a glamour shot of my crotch, you?

Naruto: No, not at all. How can someone take a picture like this without us knowing!

Gaara: Now I really want to know whose camera this is.

Naruto: Yah no kidding...Oh! My! God! I think we're here.

Gaara: Holy shit! Do you think he could get arrested for this?

Looking at the front yard you could just tell this was Orochimaru's place. There were hundreds and hundreds, maybe even thousands of lawn gnomes. All over his yard, some were even on the roof, but that's not the creepiest part. The creepiest part was the fact that each gnome had a mask of Sasuke's face! The details were perfect, down to the last pore. I think this is the first time that I have ever felt bad for Sasuke.

Naruto: I'm scared.

Gaara: We just need to take a few pictures and then we can go.

Gaara took a picture of the lawn and we moved on to the window. He gave me a leg up so I could climb through. Once I was in, I gave him my hand to pull him in. However, I think Gaara has had few too many caramel sundaes over the summer break because, damn it, he's a lot heavier then he looks! We both fell back to the floor, with him landing on top of me. We looked at each other.

Gaara:...Naruto...

Naruto: Please don't say something creepy like, 'I'm hard.'

Gaara: Okay never mind.

Naruto: Don't freak me out like that! I can feel that you're not-

Gaara: ...

Naruto: ...Just get off.

Gaara got off and helped me up as well.

Gaara: Suigetsu will be sorry he missed that.

I was about to slap Gaara upside the head for mentioning that freak, but then I saw it! And I'm not really sure how to explain it, but it was like those crappy rides for little kids that you see in front of grocery stores or in malls. Their usually in the shape horses or cars or even air planes. Well Orochimaru had one, in his house, in the shape of SASUKE FUCKING UCHIHA!

Naruto: Take a picture of me riding this thing! *jumps on*

Gaara: Naruto that's probably Orochimaru favorite sex toy.

Naruto: So? Just take a picture

Gaara: Maybe I should word this differently. That is the thing that Principal Orochimaru's likes to cum on! If you don't get off, you'll get pregnant!

I got off. Gaara took a picture. We moved on. The next room was his bedroom. Gaara tapped me on the shoulder and pointed up at the ceiling. It was just like the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, only instead of God and Adam, it was Orochimaru and Sasuke. Of course it was. I'm not even really surprised anymore. Gaara snapped a picture and we were on our way out when Orochimaru and Kabuto walked in. Both Gaara and I dived under Orochimaru's bed.

Orochimaru: I'm telling you Kabuto, we should change the school's team name from, The Charging Bulls, to the Sexy Sasukes! It would be perfect! Our mascot could Sasuke himself, he would be so honored!

Kabuto:...Or really horrified.

Orochimaru: No, he would definitely be honored.

Orochimaru and Kabuto started arguing about the team name and me and Gaara gave each other terrified looks. We whispered to each other.

Naruto: What do we do?

Gaara: *holds up underwear* This touched my face...

Naruto: Dude!

I slapped it out of his hand. Not smart. I forgot that slapping someone's hand makes a noise, a loud noise.

Orochimaru: What was that!

Kabuto: Where did it come from?

Orochimaru: Oh no! My Horny Daddy Sasuke Dream ride! I bet there are some thieves trying to steal it!

Orochimaru and Kabuto both ran out of the room as if loosing that creepy toy would have actually been a bad thing. I looked over at Gaara who had his mouth covered trying his hardest not to laugh. I had no problem not to laugh because I was too busy being disgusted with our principal. But then I heard Orochimaru yell...

Orochimaru: Someone else's bum has sat upon my Sasuke!

Then I had to cover my mouth because 'bum' is the funniest word ever. Its way funnier the ass or butt, I'm not sure why, but it is. I tried to think of sad things like; dying puppies, dying birds, or Gaara getting a lap dance from Sakura. But the word 'bum' had too much power over me, and I burst out laughing. Gaara is going to kill me later.

Kabuto: That noise came from our bedroom!

Orochimaru: Right we have to-...What do you mean,_ our_ bedroom?

Kabuto: ...didn't I say _your _bedroom.

Orochimaru: I don't know, did you?

Kabuto: ...yes...

As Kabuto and Orochimaru argued, me and Gaara made our escape by jumping out the bedroom window and running until we were at least six blocks away. Then we slowed down to catch our breath when we figured it was safe and continued walking.

Gaara: That was the second most horrifying dare I've had to be a part of today. I don't think I can take much more.

Naruto: Yah, and you still have your dare to do. What is it anyways?

He took out the piece of paper from his pocket and read through it

Gaara: Wow! Of course I would get this!

I took the paper from him, the paper that said, 'get a lap dance from Sakura'.

Naruto: Why! How do the gods figure _you're_ the one to get all of Sakura's lovin'! You don't even want it!

Gaara: Because the gods hate me...let's not go back to the party.

Naruto: But what about the camera?

Gaara: We'll just give it back tomorrow, besides we can find out who's it is then.

I agreed and we went to his house and played video games until we felt human again.

**~At the party~**

**Shino's POV**

Ino: Well we've through almost everyone's dare except Gaara's. I wonder what could have happened to him and Naruto.

Sasuke: They went to Orochimaru's house. I could give you about fifty possible situations they could have gotten themselves into, and in none of them do they return to us with their virginity.

Shikamaru: Sasuke, that's just gross.

Sasuke: Have you met Orochimaru! Let's face it, I'm just being realistic.

Karin: What makes you think they were virgins to start with?

Suigetsu: Bitch please.

Karin: I wasn't even talking to you!

Kiba: Well Naruto is a virgin for sure; everything about him screams 'never got laid'. I don't know about Gaara though.

Shino: Trust me, they're both virgins.

Everyone stopped and stared at me, typical.

Kiba: ...and how do you know this?

Shino: I just do. I won't go into details, but I can just tell if people have had sex or not.

Again they all just stared at me as if I were sort of god...Worship me bitches!

Sakura: Shino you're just being silly.

Shino: Well I know for a fact that you, Sakura, are not a virgin.

Kiba: WHAT!

Sakura: S-s-shino! Who told you-

Shino: No one told me I just can tell.

More staring.

Ino: Alright party's over, everybody out!

Shino: Oh, I see. Sakura lost her virginity to-

Ino flew across the couch and covered my mouth with her hand.

Ino: Breathe a word to anyone and I will kill you!

People started clearly out as Ino continued whispering death threats to me. Once everyone was gone I slapped her hand away from my mouth. I got up and started to walk towards the coffee table.

Shino: There's nothing wrong with being a lesbian Ino. But if you and Sakura aren't ready to come out of the closet then I guess that's your business. It's funny, I honestly though you to where going to have sort of death match over Sasuke someday.

Ino: As if! He's so over rated.

Shino: ...Hmm...

Ino: What?

Shino: I can't seem to find my camera.

I didn't even see that ending coming until I wrote it, no joke. And don't worry, this isn't going to turn into a SakuraXIno romance thing. I don't even think I'll make them a couple. I wasn't really even all that happy with this chapter. I thought it was going to be better then it turned out. I thought it would be funnier or something, I think I'm starting to lose my confidence with this one, and I only just started it :P Anyway please review.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: If I'm here writing fan fiction then it should obvious that I don't own anything…

Author's Note: Sorry I fail at deadlines. You guys seem to like this so I'll keep writing this as long as I can, but I'll be honest I really don't have a plot in mind. But whatever makes you guys happy, this is for you my darlings *creep pedo face* enjoy. Thank you TheJulesTee for editing **("You're lucky I'm nocturnal." ^_^) **...And my little sister...she did like two words.

! The note at the end of this chapter is really important!

**Sasori's POV**

Deidera: Move your ass man, we gotta get good seats!

Sasori: What's your problem?

Deidera: The sex talk for those poor, horny, delicate children is today. We have to be there so I can write about it in my diary man!

Oh yes, Deidera's precious diary. I recently had the displeasure of reading that piece of unintelligent literature, (without him knowing of course). Every other entry was the same damn thing written over and over again. Sometimes he has something entertaining or interesting to say, but for the most part it says,

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was a bang, un!_

_Love, DD _

And that's it. Why does he even bother writing in it if everything he writes is so pointless! This is the guy I dyed my hair for! I've had a crush on him for years, and just now I'm realizing that he's a total dimwit. And it's not just his diary either. Whenever we get 'down and dirty' he yells, "It's an explosion yeah!" right before he...you know...'explodes.' It's an instant boner kill for me. And he's so dumb.

Art. Bang. Explosion. Un. My man. Yeah. Hmm. There, I just went through Deidera entire vocabulary. Those are about the only six or seven phrases he uses. 'Bang my man. EXPLOSION! That is art, hmm.' He used those very phases in that order just the other day. Illiterate fool.

While I was thinking about this, we made our way to the library where the talk was taking place, and hid behind some of the bookshelves. And we're not bad teachers for doing this. It's a school tradition to cancel afternoon classes and watch these poor fools suffer. We may however be bad teachers for organizing stuff like this in the first place, but would anyone really be that surprised? I mean my boss wants to have a Sasuke themed school dance for his birthday.

Sasori: Who did we choose again to give to the talk?

Deidera: Some man Kakashi found, yeah.

Sasori: *eye twitch* Oh...right.

Diedera: Hey man, you ok?

Sasori: Peachy. Let's just stop talking.

Diedera: Un.

Someone just cut my ears off now! I really take much more of this, I find the way he talks so unattractive. I'm going to have to dump him. But when would the right time be? Definitely not now, I guess there never is a convenient time for matters like this. Either way there will be some sort of 'explosion'. Oh, but it will have to be figured out later, the students are filling in now.

**Gaara's POV**

Me and Naruto sat near the back, and everyone else took the chairs around us. We weren't really sure why all our afternoon classes were being cancelled, but fact is we don't have to do work now, so it must good...right? Although I have a bad feeling about this.

Orochimaru: All right stupids, shut up and pay attention. Except for you Sasuke, you're the salt of the earth, and you can do no wrong in my eyes. *Wink*

Sasuke facepalmed.

Orochimaru: Now let's see here. There really isn't an easy way to bring up what's about to go down here...Well let's start with this; does anyone here know where babies come from?

Naruto: Is he for real!

Yep, there it is, my bad feeling is now confirmed. We're about to get 'the talk'...again. I've known where babies came since I was in the second grade, when Konkuro oh-so-kindly shared that information with me.

I swear to god Naruto has known about sex since he was four. Of course Jiraiya probably would have felt like a failure of a guardian if he didn't tell him all about what happens when two people rub their slimy funny business together. I really feel bad for Naruto, but then again, he's too dumb to realize how bad he has it sometimes. That must be such a fucking blessing.

Everyone else just sat there and stared back at Orochimaru. Well everyone except Sai, who is stupidly sitting on the edge of his chair waving his hand in the air.

Orochimaru: Alright fine. Answer my question you Sasuke/Justin Bieber poser.

Sai: It's simple. When a man and a woman are married and want kids, they write a letter to the stork. After that, in about a week or two, the stork comes flying through the window with the happy couple's new bundle of joy. Although, I don't really know where the stork gets the baby from...does anyone else know?

Naruto: What! You're kidding right? Haven't you even heard of sex? There's no way that's where you honestly think babies come from!

Sai: ...What is this 'sex' you speak of?

Naruto: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! He doesn't know about sexual intercourse! Gaara switch me spots, I can't be sitting next to this lunatic!

I rolled my eyes and switched seats with Naruto before he gave himself a brain aneurism. Sai looked hurt by the fact that Naruto could no longer stand to be around him.

Gaara: Don't worry about it too much.

Sai: He doesn't like me...

Naruto: Damn right I don't, you disgust me in every possible way a person can disgust me!

Gaara: Well it's just that Naruto lives with a guy who writes porn, therefore Naruto has pretty much been raised to believe that the only reason to live is too have sex. He's probably even thinking of legally changing his name to Sexual Intercourse.

Naruto: What! No I'm- hehe, do you think I could?

Orochimaru: Great Garry, you put the idea in his head and now he's actually going to do it.

Gaara *Eye twitch* It's Gaara.

Sai: What's porn?

Naruto: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-

Gaara: Oh for fuck's sake, SHUT UP!

Kiba: Look Sai, I understand if you don't know about sex, but how could you not know about porn?

Shino: Do you even try to makes sense anymore?

Kiba: Don't be a fool! If I did that then the baby fish wouldn't be able to swim through their blood filled oxygen pool to get to the mother giraffe.

Shino: ...Acid?

Kiba: Anti-freeze.

Shino: How are you still alive?

Kiba: Kiss me?

Shino: ...No.

Kiba: Shutting down now.

Orochimaru: Morons please; we've gotten so off topic. Sai, that was a fail of an answer, I mean what do you think pregnant people were there for?

Sai: Those are real!

Orochimaru: Ok, so clearly you're all in desperate need of educating. Except for you Sasuke, you're a sex god.

Sasuke: *Rocking back and forth* I cry myself to sleep every night...

Orochimaru: So without further delay, I invite our guest speaker to join me on stage. He is a priest/exorcist... enjoy. Muahahaha!

Naruto: Priest? That means he's catholic right? Hey don't they have a certain reputation?

I was just about to get into dead end, meaningless conversation with him on the subject, but then dry ice smoke started to fill the room, and suspenseful music started playing. Yeah, this guy was going to make a fucking entrance, that's so tacky. I mean, for fuck's sake he's going to give the sex talk to a group 16 and 17 year olds! Get off your high horse you pompous windbag, it's not like you're the pope-

When in the shit did our school get pyrotechnics?

God-like Voice: Introducing, the one, the only, chosen by God himself, FAAAAAAAther Ibiki!

I guess he was just waiting up in the rafter for his line, because right after he was announced (by god knows who) he fell from the ceiling and landed perfectly on his feet. And I have to admit, that was actually pretty cool. His whole get-up was pretty awesome too. He wore these long black robes that had a black mask covering most of his face, and had a long sliver chain with a heavy looking cross at the end of it. I would have actually been impressed with this guy if it weren't for the fact that HE'S ONLY GIVING THE SEX TALK! That automatically makes him nothing more than a drama queen.

Naruto: I suddenly feel the need to repent.

Gaara: For what?

He gave me a look that suggested I had just asked a dumb question.

Naruto: Have you already forgotten that just last week, we broke into our principle's house and touched his Sasuke sex toy?

Sasuke: I heard my name.

Naruto: Oh Sasuke, even though you are my arch nemesis, please believe me when I say that this is for your own well-being. TURN THE FUCK AROUND!

Sasuke: You are, seriously, the biggest spaz-

Gaara: Actually, he's really doing you a favour this time.

Ibiki: You boys over there, shut up! I'm about to give you a talk that will put chest hair on 3 year olds!

Orochimaru: Did you just tell my Sasuke to shut up!

Ibiki: _Your_ Sasuke? Are you in some sort of inappropriate relationship with this boy?

Orochimaru: Oh please, I'm not even gay.

Sasuke: Lies.

Kabuto: *Sniff* No it's true...*Cries*

Sasuke: Where the hell did you come from!

Orochimaru: I want to BE Sasuke, not WITH Sasuke.

Ibiki: Brother please, this unhealthy obsession is keeping you from what is the important thing in life.

Orochimaru: The important thing in life is Sasuke, right?

Ibiki: _God,_ Brother, God. I would like to perform an exorcism on you. This obsession is unlike anything I've ever seen and is clearly the work of a demon.

Orochimaru: No!

Ibiki: ...It'll be good for Sasuke.

Orochimaru: Okay.

Father Ibiki had Orochimaru lie down on a table, as he started reading from his Bible, and drew crosses with chalk around Orochimaru's body.

Shikamaru: A catholic doing witchcraft?

Ibiki: No! No! No! It is not witchcraft, it's _Christian-craft_!

Shikamaru: ...

Ibiki: Will someone please fetch me my bottle of holy water.

I guess the power of Christ compelled me, or something, because I was the one who got up and walked over to his bag.

Gaara: Which bottle is it in?

The guy had at least 20 bottles of some kind of liquid.

Ibiki: The white one, precious child.

Gaara: *Eye twitch* ...Okay.

Naruto: Hahahahaha!

Gaara: Shut up numb nuts!

I brought the bottle over to Father Ibiki. He closed eyes and said a prayer as he dumped out the contents of the bottle all over Orochimaru. I had no idea that holy water was brown and bubbly. Actually… I know that holy water isn't brown and bubbly. It smells like coke.

Gaara: Umm... Father?

Ibiki: *Opens eyes* Child please I...What the devil! This isn't holy water! This is my diet Pepsi! I told you to get the white bottle! This is clearly eggshell!

Gaara: ...So it won't work with Pepsi?

Ibiki: Of course not! Pepsi is just a gay version of Coke-Cola! This means we made Orochimaru gay! I'm a terrible priest!

Gaara: We!

Sasuke: FuuuuUUUUUUUU-

Kabuto: There is a God!

Orochimaru got off of the table and looked right at Sasuke...

This is going to be good.

Orochimaru: You!

Where did that music come from?

Orochimaru: I wanna take you to a gay bar!

As Orochimaru kept singing, Sasuke got up calmly, and then ran like hell and jumped out the window without bothering to open it first. He ran down the street screaming bloody murder the whole way.

Suigetsu: ...I should...Make sure he doesn't do something foolish...

And with that he jumped out the window and followed Sasuke down the street.

**Sai's POV**

Orochimaru: Kabuto! I feel that rejection is a horrid bitch, carry me to my office so that I may cry my newly found, gay heart out. And perhaps be taken advantage of, due to my current heartbroken feelings.

Kabuto: How could I have ever doubted God!

Kabuto ran over to Orochimaru and picked him like a princess and ran out of the library. I think it's nice that those two are such good friends. I wish I had a good friend like that. I wonder what they'll do once they get to Orochimaru's office, probably something really fun. I wish I could join them instead of sitting here and listening to this priest.

Ibiki: Alright! I'm here to give you all a certain talk, and by the power of God, I'm going to do it!

Gaara: You just turned our principal gay, causing two students to jump out a window.

Ibiki: Because you gave me the wrong bottle you pagan freak! And remember whenever God closes a door, he opens a window. It now seems like that vice principal is absolutely sure that there is a God now, so it wasn't a complete loss.

Gaara: ...I'm catholic.

Ibiki: Oh...well then you're one of the ones God pays attention to. Please, precious child, go sit down.

Naruto: HAHAHAHAHA! That's never going to stop being funny!

Gaara gave Naruto the middle finger and sat down between us.

Ibiki: First of all does anyone have any questions?

To my surprise Naruto lifted up his hand. I thought he was an expert on this 'sex' as he calls it. Father Ibiki nodded his head at Naruto. Naruto pointed dramatically over at me.

Naruto: Sometimes this poor fool's penis goes hard, and he has no idea what's going on, explain it to him!

Sai: Naruto!

I have no idea how he knows about that. I mean having something like that happen to you can't be normal, and I haven't told anyone. Also whenever that does happen to me I usually just tape it to my leg and wait for it to go away. I'm so embarrassed, so of course I start denying it.

Sai: No it doesn't!

Naruto: Are you kidding me! You've never had a boner!

Sai: A what?

Gaara: It's when your dick goes hard.

Shikamaru: You don't have to all shameful about it Sai. It completely normal, every guy gets them.

Sai: What about girls?

Naruto: ...Does he really not know that-

Shikamaru: Girls don't have penises.

...

Sai: Why not?

Naruto: -

Gaara: NO!

Ibiki: Please, God's little angels, I got this. You see Sai, a 'boner' is the devil's way of trying to control you. Try and think of yourself as a machine and your penis controls and drives you. When you get a boner there is a tiny dick devil that drives you to do crazy, ungodly things; such as touch yourself. Or worse, touch someone else. Unfortunately I've had to perform many exorcisms on the cunning dick devil. Any more questions?

...

Naruto: Did he just forbid masturbation?

Gaara: No, he forbade having a dick altogether.

Sai: What's masturbation?

Ibiki: Of course I should explain-

Naruto: Don't! Your explanations are crap! I'll tell him. Masturbation is when you rub your dick and it feels great.

Sai: With or without the dick devil?

Gaara: There's no such thing as a dick devil.

Ibiki: What! There totally is!

Father Ibiki then went on a rant about how God's 'little angels' (that's us) have completely lost their innocence, and how the dick devil was going to be victorious over us, unless we repent or pay the Father thirty dollars to perform an exorcism... But what about me? I still don't know the meaning of this 'sex', I only just found out that a 'boner' isn't an incurable disease (it does seem to be some sort of supernatural curse...that every boy gets), but I still don't fully understand this masturbation technique, and on top of it all, I've just found out there is no such thing as a female penis. This is so much to take in, and yet I haven't gotten any real information. As for the stork; I'm starting to think that maybe that theory is incorrect.

Ino: That priest has been here for almost two hours and we haven't talked about sex at all.

Kiba: Oh my god! A woman spoke; I totally forgot that we had girls here.

Hinata: But I've been sitting beside you this whole time.

Kiba: Sorry Hinata, but I've been gazing at Shino ever since we got here, and just haven't bothered to notice you.

Shino: Any other word would have been better then 'gazing.'

Kiba: You know Shino, I'm just going to throw this out there-

Shino: Please don't.

Kida: But the thought of doing stuff with you doesn't completely gross me out.

Shino: What are you on?

Kiba: I mean if we were to spontaneously start making out I wouldn't be mad or anything.

Shino: ...I would be.

Kiba: Come on, don't tell me that your balls don't tingle just a little bit at the thought of us two being together.

Shino: They don't.

Kiba: ...But you've thought about it...

Shino: For half a second because you put the idea in my head! And I don't understand why your balls would tingle.

Kiba: Well it could just be the effects of the drugs.

Shino: Again, what are you on?

Kiba: Ecstasy.

Hinata: You took ecstasy...while in school? During the sex talk no less?

Kiba: Everything is better with ecstasy vision!

Shino: Well that explains his slight horny-ness but it doesn't- LET GO OF THAT RIGHT NOW!

Kiba: Sorry.

Shino: As I was saying, it doesn't explain his new found...'curiosity'...

Juugo: I saw him drink a diet Pepsi earlier today. Think about it. If it could turn Orochimaru gay, then maybe it could do the same thing to Kiba.

Everyone stopped and stared at Juugo. He has been here for two weeks and this is the first time we've ever heard him talk. I know that we're both new kids here, and I'll admit that I'm a little hard to figure out sometimes, but he is definitely having a more difficult time fitting in than I am. For starters, he looks like he could be thirty-five. He's unbelievably tall, plus he always sits in the back of the class and says nothing. Even I know that there's something a little bit creepy about that. But maybe we can still be friends, I should think of a nickname for him.

Naruto: Pepsi is now turning people gay...sounds legit.

Juugo: No, only diet Pepsi.

Naruto: Of course, how silly of me.

Juugo: ...I'm not sure if you're taking this seriously or-

Naruto: Trololololololololololol!

Gaara: Yep, he's joking.

Juugo: *Cries* I was being serious! *Runs out of room*

I now know what I will call Juugo. I shall call him the Big One, and he shall be my Big One, and he shall be mine.

**Naruto's POV**

Sakura: Where did Father Ibiki go?

Gaara: Shut up Sakura!

Sai: He last words were, 'They'll all burn in adultery hell,' and then he left.

Naruto: Shut up Sai!

How dare he speak! How dare he speak to Sakura!

Shikamaru: So then do we really need to be here? School's going to end in half an hour anyways, and they can't get us to take half a class.

Choji: Plus all the other classes got to leave right after lunch.

This was good enough for us. We all ran out of the school the way schizophrenics ran from the 'voices', and on my way out I wrapped one arm around Sai's neck (like a boss) and dragged him all the way to my apartment. He was a good little kidnappee, and didn't yell or squirm, and for that he was rewarded.

I threw him down on the couch, and sat on his stomach. I grabbed his wrists, one in each hand, and pinned them down on either side of his head. I put my face down close to his, so close I could feel his light breath on my lips. I could also feel him shivering slightly beneath me. He must be scared, and he should be.

Naruto: I'm now going to teach you all the things a boy your age should know.

Sai: What...what do you mean?

Naruto: You really are just too innocent. I mean sex retard.

Sai: H-how?

Naruto: Isn't it obvious?

...

Naruto: We will do research on the internet!

I leapt off of Sai and onto the coffee table with one of my fists held firmly on my heart. (What did you think was going to happen? Don't lie; your mind totally went there!) Anyways after stand still in my patriotic pose for a while I grabbed Sai (by the wrist...and nowhere else...) and sat him in front of the computer.

Naruto: Alright so we're going to look all of the important words, such as; sex, orgasm, masturbation, blow job, hand job, and of course the most important one; vag- Hahahahaha! I'm sorry, I'm sorry hahaha! ...Alright, I'm calm now. Vagi- HAHAHAHA! Okay forget it, I can't say it without laughing. Anyways, that's the word we look up first.

Sai: What word? You haven't been able to say it.

Naruto: Oh right. It's va- hehe...Screw it, I'll just type it in for you.

...

Sai: OH MY GOD!

Naruto: I know, it's crazy right.

And just as I was thinking something was missing, Gaara walked through the front door.

Naruto: Don't you ever go home?

Gaara: I just realized I only ever go home when you're coming over to my house. We haven't spent a day apart since the seventh grade. I felt weird in my own house because you weren't there. This is going to sound so cliché, but you know how they say home is where the heart is? Well if that's true, then my home is wherever you are Naruto.

And then, by the power of our bromance we floated across the room to each other. We were surrounded by sparkles (which are totally manly!) and pink fluffy clouds that look like cotton candy (which is not gay!). And then we finally met in the middle and embraced each other in the name of all that is hetero and manly! Our bromance shone so brightly, angelic, and so manly-ee, that we make Zeus look like a pussy! At this moment we were the very definition of bromance!

Sai: Umm question, did you guys just grow a pair of ovaries?

...And our manly moment has just been emasculated.

Naruto: No we did not- Oh, if you know what ovaries are then you must have finished looking at the diagram.

Sai: I also read all the definitions for every part.

Naruto: Good, now on to the next word.

Gaara: What are you guys doing?

Naruto: Giving Sai the sex ed he never got.

Gaara: I see.

It really didn't take long for us to go through all the words. Of course He was pretty shocked by it all, and he still had a few questions...but those were nothing a few of Jiraiya's videos couldn't answer.

Naruto: Alright Sai, on this DVD is about two and a half hours of downloaded porn. This should answer any questions that you may still be having. Now we're going to give you this laptop and have you sit in that closet over there, and don't come out until you've watched it all. Understood?

Sai: Yes.

Naruto: Alright, good luck solider.

Sai went into the closet and closed the door behind him.

Gaara: So...what are we going to do while he's in there?

Naruto: Did you have something in mind?

Gaara bit his bottom lip and stepped closer to me, and spoke in a low voice.

Gaara: Come on Naruto, don't play dumb. You know what I want.

Naruto: You wanna give me a hint?

Gaara put one hand on the walls I was leaning against and brought his face close to mine. He was now looking me directly in the eye.

Gaara: Naruto, our whole bromance thing is nice, but we've moved far past that. We know what we really are. Remember? We found our true selves this summer.

Naruto: Oh...Oh! Wow, you're really in the mood right now.

Gaara: Actually I'm always in the mood...For Call of Duty, Nazi Zombies!

Naruto: Of course we found our true selves as lean, mean zombie killing machines!

(Your mind went to that dirty place again didn't it?) Gaara and I played Nazi Zombies and before we knew two and a half hours were up. Sai walked into the living room, and he looked like hell. He had bags under his eyes, his hair was all messed up, and he somehow looked thinner...Particularly in the face. And speaking of face, he managed to get a five o'clock shadow...In two and a half hours! He spoke in a dazed, distant sounding voice.

Sai: All the things I've seen, all this information, what do I do with it all?

Gaara: Umm...enjoy responsibly...

Naruto: You going to be okay man?

Sai: Yeah...yeah, I'm fine. I just can't believe I'm only finding out about all of this now, you know.

Naruto: Yeah, I guess it would be kind of a shock.

Sai: Well...it's getting late... I should be on my way home now... See you guys tomorrow.

Gaara: Would you like me to drive you home?

Sai: No...no it's fine, the fresh air will do me good... Home isn't far from here anyways.

Gaara: Are you sure?

Sai: Yeah...thanks though...

Naruto: Okay question, how the hell did you manage to get a five o'clock shadow?

Sai: I'm surprised that I only got a five o'clock shadow...That stuff could put pubic hair on a toddler...I'm not kidding, it's intense.

Gaara: Wasn't an early hair-growing joke already used today?

Naruto: This one was a little different so I think its okay.

Sai: ...I'll be on my way now.

Naruto: Okay, see you tomorrow...be safe.

Sai gave us a weak wave and dragged himself over to the door and let himself out.

Naruto: What have we done?

Gaara: We!

Naruto: I mean, we usually just sort of just find out about this stuff over the years from friends and parents, but Sai...He had it all done in one day. No, worse! He had it all done in fewer than three hours; that's just too much for any man to take.

Gaara: Watch as he becomes totally vulgar now.

Naruto: I doubt that, Sai's kind of a quiet guy. He's weird but definitely not vulgar.

Gaara: Weird is right, he didn't even know what a vagina was.

Naruto: HAHAHAHAHA! You said the V-word!

Gaara: *Facepalm* Dude, I am going to butt fuck you.

Naruto: You know it's funny how you can put the words dude, bro, or man in any sentence and it makes it sound completely normal.

Gaara: Indeed. Now get down on all fours, bro.

...

Gaara: ...I was joking.

Naruto: You're humour sickens me.

Gaara: You thought about it sickness, didn't you?

Naruto: Yeah, because you said it!

Gaara: Hahahaha! You actually thought about it!

Naruto: Only because you said-

Gaara: Was it good bro?

Naruto: No! How could anything up the ass feel good!

Gaara: I was also the seme! Hahahaha! In your own fantasy too! Haha!

Naruto: It wasn't a fantasy it was a nightmare! And hasn't the whole 'OMG, you thought about it' already been used today as well!

Gaara: This is totally different; I got you so good! Haha!

Naruto: ...I'm going to bed.

Gaara: Alright sweetheart I'll be there in fifteen minutes! Haha!

Naruto: It's already gotten old Gaara.

I flipped him the bird and slammed my bedroom door behind me. And I realized something; it's only seven o'clock.

That's right Naruto and Gaara are so hetero it's almost homo...Prepare for fan service! And In the next chapter I'm SO going to build on Sasori breaking up with Deidera!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:**I would own Naruto if Masashi Kishimoto didn't...pffft! Suuure I would.

Thanks to TheJulesTee you guys will be able to understand this...and thank you BlackNinja0227. Your message gave me a kick in the butt to just finish this chapter already...I've only had it for 2 months :P. Warning: I'm not really sure if this chapter is funny...But I KNOW it's overboard creepy, and probably offensive...it's worse than the horny daddy Sasuke dream ride. Read at your own risk.

**Deidera's POV**

Deidera: Some say love, it is a river that-

Sasori: We need to talk.

Deidera: Sasori my man! I was just sitting here colouring in my explosions colouring book, singing and thinking about you! Oh my god we are SO in love un!

Sasori: You're just lying down in the middle of the hall way...

Deidera: So what? School's over yeah!

Sasori: I'm breaking up with you. You're just too...annoying...

Deidera: Ok man.

Sasori: ...It's that easy...

Deidera: Yep.

My man Sasori here thinks way too highly of himself. Did he honestly think that I found him so irresistible, that I would cry over him? To be honest, he's a little too mature for me...Which is pretty much just another way of saying he was incredibly boring un! Besides, he's not done with this conversation, he's going to turn around and ask me right about...now.

Sasori: OK I just have to ask...

I fucking told ya un!

Sasori: Why was that so easy?

Deidera: What can I say man? It wasn't really that great yeah.

Sasori: But you just said we were in love...

Deidera: ...I'm 19, I'll say that to anything, let's face it, 'love', is the most over used word ever. I even have a kid in my art class who has it tattooed on his face man!

Sasori: 19! How the hell can you be 19! You've been working here for 2 years!

Deidera: Yeah, funny story man...

**Flashback ~in a warehouse where Deidera once worked~**

Orochimaru: It's here isn't it?!

Deidera: Ummm... probably...

Orochimaru: Insolent youth! You have no idea what I'm talking about do you?!

Deidera: Yeah no clue un.

Orochimaru: ... un... do you have a speech impediment or something!

Deidera: Look man I'm tired just tell me what you're here for yeah.

Orochimaru: I am on the lookout for a very rare item and I understand it has been brought here. They call it... THE HORNY DADDY SASUKE DREAM RIDE!

Then a single golden light shone down on him as if God himself was pissing on him. And two chubby, baby Sasuke angels flew over him with a banner that said, "Behold Thy Chosen Pedophile." Then the baby Sasuke angels exploded into more baby Sasukes. Orochimaru sat there snickering and blushing...

Orochimaru: Oh... teehee cute!

**Flashback paused**

Sasori: What the hell!?

Deidera: No interruptions! Anyways... un...

Sasori: *twitch*

**Back to flashback**

Deidera: Oh of course the Horny Daddy Sasuke Dream Ride. Right this way un. Pretty tragic story about the girl that owned it, right?

Orochimaru: Oh yes 'tragic.'

Deidera: Heard she accidently suffocated in her own pillow.

Orochimaru: Oh yes 'accident.'

Deidera: Anyway, here it is man.

Orochimaru: *gasp* Its FAAAAABULOUS!

Deidera: It's definitely a unique piece of art yeah.

Orochimaru: ...art...Yes, yes! That's exactly what this is! A beautiful, sexy piece of art! What is your name!

Deidera: Deidera un!

Orochimaru: You're hired Deidera!

Deidera: Sweet...hired for what?

Orochimaru: You're going to be my school's new art teacher!

Deidera: Don't you have to go to university for like four years to become a teacher? I'm not even done high school yet.

Orochimaru: To be an art teacher!? That's total bullshit; art teachers aren't _real_ teachers. And besides, my school's on welfare; therefore I can't really afford a real teacher anyway! Isn't that fan-sasukeisasexybeast-tastic!

Deidera: Yeah man! Oh, and I should probably mention that I'm a pyromaniac...

Orochimaru: Well I should probably mention that you get no benefits and the pay is crap.

Deidera: ...I'll still take the job.

Orochimaru: Wonderful! Well Sasuke and I should be on our way now; see you on Monday.

**End of flashback**

Deidera: The end yeah.

Sasori just stood there rubbing his temples. That's totally an old man pose, another good reason why we aren't good together ...He's 16 years older than me yeah! What? You think age is just a number? Allow me to put things into perspective for you, yeah? When I was a useless baby who couldn't do anything but eat and shit, he was getting his driver's licence. When I was in preschool, he was in university. He's middle aged and I'm a teenager. When he's old enough for senior discounts, I'll just start using Viagra… But he looks like he's 21, so all of this is allowed un!

Sasori: So you're telling me that we fired Mrs. Chiyo and hired you because you helped Orochimaru with his Sasuke obsession?

Diedera: Yeah, have you shit bricks over it yet!?

Sasori: That poor woman died 2 weeks later of a broken heart!

Diedera: She was almost as old as you! She was dying of death!

Sasori: ...Dying of death...I'm going home. Good night.

Diedera: Oh sure walk away and ignore the fact that I just made fun of your age! I guess that would be the _mature_ thing to do! And by the way...IT'S ONLY 4:30! Asshole yeah.

I watched him walk all the way to the door without even acknowledging me. But I've actually been waiting for him leave, like they always say 'when the cat's away, the mice will play un.' I took out the small pack of matches from my pocket and did what any 19 year old that just got dumped would do. I lit my colouring book on fire and danced around it like a savage! (Because yes, 19 year olds have colouring books) That lasted for about 30 seconds before the fire alarm went off and the sprinklers where activated.

Deidera: Aw, now I'm sad yeah.

**Orochimaru's POV (next day)**

Orochimaru: Quickly Kabuto come here!

Kabuto's chubby little legs ran over to me as fast as they could carry him. It's good to be a sir.

Kabuto: What would you like sir?

Orochimaru: Get me some high heels, a thong, a cosmopolitan, and rent me 'Sex and the City'! Now!

Kabuto: ...Why?

Orochimaru: Obviously, I'm going to wear the thong and high heels, drink the cosmo, and watch 'Sex and the City'...fool. Now that I'm a gay, I really need to embrace the gay culture. And make it snappy!

Kabuto: Y-yes sir!

And with that Kabuto sprinted out the door. What the hell was I supposed to do while I wait for him? Think! What does a gay do in his spare time? Just then I glanced out my office window only to see a delicious Uchiha walk by; then the answer to my boredom became so clear. I creeped over to the door and opened it just enough so I could see that sexy hunk of a boy. He kept walking and once his back was turn to me I got down on the floor and crawled out of my office. I think I crawled through some spit but it will all be worth it once I get to my Sasuke. Mmm, Sasuke. I crawled until I was right on his heels, then I jumped to my feet and buried my face in the back of Sasuke's head and inhaled deeply.

Orochimaru: Oh how I love the smell of Sasuke in the morning!

Sasuke: What the hell!? Oh god not you...

Orochimaru: Why hello there Sasuke! My you get hotter and hotter every time I see you. Meow! *wink*

Sasuke: You know what; I'm not even surprised anymore. There is seriously nothing you can do to me that I will find shocking.

Orochimaru: Oh ho! Challenge accepted! *takes off shirt*

Sasuke: Ok that's really not- OH MY GOD!

Orochimaru: That's right Sasuke! It's a giant tattoo of your face; look my nipples are your eyes! It hurt like a bitch but it was so worth it!

Sasuke: O.O

Orochimaru: What's this? I believed some one's a little shocked.

Sasuke: ...Why do you do this to me?

Orochimaru: So what do you think?

Sasuke: I think...I need mind bleach. That image is never ever going to leave my mind!

Then he turned on his heels and ran to whatever class he has now. He's just so cute when he runs! I mean look at his firm, little ass; I just want to squeeze it!

Orochimaru: Wait! Do you want to watch 'Sex and the City' with me!?

Sasuke: HELL NO!

I returned to my office. This was usually the time of day that I talk to myself in the mirror. I sat down behind my desk and rummaged around for my hand mirror...Damn it, where is that mirror...Oh yes! I found it! Let the wooing begin.

Orochimaru: Look at you, you gorgeous, sexy critter. There is nothing you can't do, because you are Orochimaru, and the world is your bitch. Yes, you the gorgeous, sexy dog catcher, and everyone else is your bitch. And what do bitches do? They rub their asses on your carpet. So what do you do? You scold them! Yes, you scold them with any mean necessary. Whether that is with a whip, or a gag, or a dildo, especially a dildo. Because you are Orochimaru, and there isn't anything you can't do-

Kabuto: I'm back!

Orochimaru: Go away Kabuto! I'm doing some soul searching!

Kabuto: So sorry sir...

Kabuto closed the door behind him. Now where was I...Oh yes!

Orochimaru: See the way he listens to you? It's because he is your bitch. The only thing that could make you more amazing is if you were Sasuke. But wait, what's this? Sasuke's under your shirt; so you are both Sasuke and Orochimaru...this means...the world is you're double bitch! And you are now the sexy dog catcher...double time. That was good. Alright Kabuto, you can come in now.

Kabuto burst through the door with an arm load of the items I had asked him to get and threw them on my desk.

Kabuto: Here's all that gay stuff you asked for!

Orochimaru: What the hell is this!?

I lifted up the purple lacy thong with two fingers and slapped him in the face with it.

Kabuto: ...The thing you wanted. You look so good in purple.

Orochimaru: I want to embrace gay culture not women culture, you stupid fruit! I will be the laughing stock of the whole school if they were to see me in this! Why couldn't you just get me black one!? Sasuke isn't going to be happy about this.

Kabuto: ...Sasuke? What does _he _got to do with anything?

I took off my shirt. Sasuke was definitely going to have a say in this! I pinched the two fat folds of my stomach together where Sasuke's mouth was. Now I could make him talk! This giant tattoo was such a good idea!

Sasuke Tat: Come on Kabuto! A nice black thong will make Orochimaru's package look huge, where as this purple one makes it look girly and small.

Orochimaru: Well said Sasuke!

Kabuto: I think this is the first time I've ever been scared of you...

Sasuke Tat: Orochimaru is a sex god.

Orochimaru: Oh Sasuke, you flatter me so.

Kabuto: I'll flatter you Orochimaru!

Orochimaru: Get me a proper thong fit for a man and then you will be considered mildly important again.

Kabuto: Fiiiiiiiiiiiine...

Sasuke Tat: Don't be such a whinny bitch and just do what the lord says.

Kabuto: ...The lord...are you serious?

Sasuke Tat: Yes.

Kabuto: Screw you Sasuke.

Orochimaru: *gasp* Sasuke! Shield your ears from such hurtful things!

Then I realized, as I was lifting up my hands to block Sasuke's ears, he had no ears. How could that stupid tattoo artist forget Sasuke's perfect ears!? There will be hell to pay for this.

Kabuto: Fine I'll go and return the thong and bring you a black one.

Orochimaru: One that looks nice.

Kabuto: Of course.

Orochimaru: And not too expensive.

Kabuto: Right.

And Kabuto left to go and do his job right this time.

**Naruto's POV**

Naruto: I'm boooooored.

Gaara: So what do you want me to do about it?

Naruto: I don't know...Could you try to stick your fist in your mouth? That might entertain me.

Gaara: Naruto, guys asks girls to stick their fists in their mouths to see if they would be any good at blow jobs...

Naruto: Soooooo is that a no?

Gaara: Well I guess I could...But only because I'm really bored as well.

Naruto: Alright then, go.

I was actually impressed. He got almost down to his wrist.

Naruto: I'm SO turned on right now.

Gaara was gagging and hacking as he pulled his fist out of his mouth. Tears started running down his cheeks and his face was all red. That's where the real entertainment lies! That's right, I'm cleverer than people give me credit for. After Gaara finished hacking his lungs out he looked over at me with wide eyes.

Gaara: What the fuck!?

Naruto: Calm down, I just said that because I was bored.

Gaara: Then what is that?

Gaara narrowed his eyes and pointed down at my pants. I looked down to see what the hell he was talking about; because I know for a fact that there is no way that I could be turned on in chemistry. It's the most boring difficult class I have this year. Everyone sleeps through it including the teacher, it's that bad. Anyways as I was looking down I was kicked, yes kicked not punched, right in the side of my gorgeous and totally manly face (which Sakura should be kissing right now!)

Naruto: Ah! Why!?

Gaara: Seriously you're surprised? C'mon you got me to choke on my own hand. What if I had died? I would have died looking like a bulimic...Bulimia's for girls!

Naruto: Aren't there also bulimic men?

Gaara: Yeah, not straight ones though.

Naruto: So the only way a guy can get bulimia is if he's gay?

Gaara: Yes. Same with Aids.

Naruto: ...Ok, I thought you were supposed to be the smarter one out of the two of us.

Gaara: I was, but then everything changed when the fire nation attacked. Plus also I was being sarcastic.

Naruto: Aha! I love that meme!

Gaara: Indeed.

After a while I realized that when Gaara kicked me I fell out of my desk, and after falling out of my desk I never bothered to get back up. I also realized that I shouldn't let Gaara get away with kicking my in the face like that. I mean I can already feel the bruise forming. I reached into my back pack and grabbed my package of skittles; I grabbed a hand full and threw that at his face!

Naruto: Taste the rainbow bitch!

...Yes, that was my brilliant revenge. Gaara just sat there looking down at me. Now usually a teacher would have stepped in at this point, Asuma however isn't even here. He's actually been gone a long time, probably having sexy rumpus time with Kurenai. Come on we all know its happening. Now I as I was thinking about ramen (because after accidently thinking about teacher sex I like to think about ramen to mend my broken mind) Gaara attacked me...again!

Naruto: AAAAHHHHHHH!

Gaara: I LOATH rainbows!

Gaara and I wrestled throughout the classroom. Most of the class was awake by this time I got Gaara in a head lock. However he managed to kick me in the shin and then bit me in the shoulder as he punched me in the ribs. I punched him in the gut and rustled him to the floor, because that's obviously the smart thing to do if I don't want to die. We got shoved into a few desks, and may have broken a few chairs. But of course the worst part was the fact that Asuma decided to come back to class. I mean of course he would right? The universe just loves to hate me.

Asuma: Office. Now.

Naruto: Aw, why?

Asuma: Are you kidding me? Just go.

Gaara: Sucker

Asuma: You too Gaara.

Gaara: But _he_ started it.

Asuma: But _you_ freak the hell out of me.

Naruto: Ugh, let's just go.

Both me at Gaara walked out of the class room and kept shoving each other into walls and lockers as we walked to the office. Once we got there I put my hand on the door knob.

Naruto: Haha remember what happened last time we were here?

Gaara: Oh yeah, ha, I doubt anything could top that.

...I doubt anything could top that...famous last words. I opened the door to see Orochimaru walking around his office in nothing but a thong and high heels! The universe just _loves _to hate me. The worst part is; both me and Gaara were too shocked to move. We had to stand there frozen with fear staring at the very thing that was causing the fear. It took Orochimaru a while before he noticed us standing there.

Sasuke Tat: It's not what it looks like...

I closed the office door, grabbed Gaara's wrist and backed away from the door.

Gaara: What has been seen cannot be unseen.

There were no words to express what I was feeling...so I cried. Orochimaru opened up the door; he now had a bathrobe covering his pasty, white, and Sasuke infested body. You have no idea how much I hate the fact that I know that.

Orochimaru: Hello Naruto, Garry. Is there something I can help you with?

Gaara: Why is your entire torso a picture of Sasuke's face?

Orochimaru: *sigh* Because I want to touch him in the butt, plus also I have an unhealthy obsession with him. I do not see how you keep forgetting that.

Naruto: I don't see why everyone is so obsessed with Sasuke! I mean he's smart, but that's just a boring version of being clever. He has no real talent because he's just good at everything he tries, and for the love of god; he's not _that_ hot!

Orochimaru: Naruto, am I correct in assuming that you and Sasuke have some sort of rivalry going on here?

Naruto: ...I guess.

Orochimaru: Well Naruto the reason you are so inferior to Sasuke is because he's a famous porn star and you're just a guy who eats too much ramen. It's quite unattractive really.

Gaara: Wait. Sasuke Uchiha? The Sasuke Uchiha, is a porn star?

Orochimaru: Oh yes, in fact his whole family is. How do you think they got so rich in this economy?

Naruto: I'm not sure how to handle this information...

Orochimaru: Well I'm just letting you know so that you're not crushed every time he completely destroys you in whatever competition you guys are having. I mean, that boy has literally been doing porn since the day he was born.

Gaara: What do you mean by _literally_?

Naruto: Please don't ask.

Orochimaru: Well you see-

Naruto: Great, see what you've done!

Orochimaru: His birth video counted as a porn film...I think...Or maybe it was just a documentary.

Naruto: ...eeewwwwwww.

Gaara: Is that even legal?

Naruto: Gaara stop asking questions!

Orochimaru: In some countries. Funny thing is he hasn't been in a porn film since...If that was even a porn film...come to think of it, I think it was just a documentary. But his family really is in the porn industry and Sasuke is turning eighteen soon! You know what that means...

Naruto: Please don't talk anymore.

Orochimaru: Well boys thanks for stopping by, you can go now; I have a lot of work to do. Bye!

Then he just closed the door on us; leaving two somewhat innocent minors to be mind fucked again and again by all these dirty information. What a truly cruel world this is.

Naruto: Is every time we seen Orochimaru just going to get more and more disturbing?

Gaara: Considering we were supposed to get detention, I didn't think it was that bad.

Naruto: *shrugs* Meh, I guess.

Gaara: So what are you going to do with all this information?

Naruto: What do you mean 'do with it'!? I'm going to pretend I never heard any of it!

Gaara: Naruto. You and Sasuke have been feuding for years and he always beats you. You now have information that could destroy him...and you're going to pretend you've never heard it!?

Naruto: Go on...

Gaara: Okay, doesn't Suigetsu look familiar?

Naruto: Umm...no.

Gaara: Naruto, he's a twenty year old drag queen.

Naruto: ...How do you know this?

Gaara: How do you not know this!? He's on the cover of half the magazines Jiraya owns.

Naruto: ...Oh my god! That hot babe is Suigetsu!?

Gaara: Yeah not only that, but Juugo is usually the photographer for him...He's also a cameraman.

Naruto: So you think that Suigetsu and Sasuke are going to be in a porm film, filmed by Juugo?

Gaara: Well yeah.

Naruto: I'm not even going to question how you know all this...but I think I know how to defeat Sasuke now!

Gaara: Alright how?

Naruto: Me and you are going to star in a porn film together! One waaaaay better then Sasuke's!

Gaara: Awesome. Wait...WHAT!?

Naruto: C'mon we won't get naked or touch or anything.

Gaara: ...What the hell kind of porn are you making?

Naruto: We need to find the owner of this camera, so they can film us!

I pulled out the camera that Gaara took from the party at Ino's a few weeks ago. Yes...the one with all the crotch pictures on it.

Gaara: ...This is going to turn out so bad.

The end...for now...my brain needs help.

I love you. I will miss you.


End file.
